I was out for a morning run when my husband pulled alongside me in his car to say he was headed to the emergency room. He’d had recurring pain in his upper abdomen and his doctor wanted him checked out immediately.

A few hours later our world shattered.

He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The shock was overwhelming. We spent the rest of the day holding each other and crying. While unspoken, we were crying for what would not be for us.

The first few weeks post-diagnosis were a blur of planning his medical treatments. Then came two and a half years of driving in and out of Boston for his treatments, procedures, surgeries, emergency hospital stays and a whole host of other things I’ve blocked out.

My husband was my best friend, and I was petrified of losing him. Today, he’s been gone almost six years. While grief is different for everyone, I’m just now feeling alive again.

A staggering number of financial decisions emerged throughout his illness and years after his passing.

I want to share some of them with you now. My goal is to help you not feel alone, while also sharing some steps we took to help us navigate such a difficult situation.

Emotional complexity of pre-loss planning

Some of the heaviest conversations with my late husband surrounded the details of end-of-life planning, like “Would you prefer to be buried or cremated?” or “Where is your car title?”

Asking these questions feels like betrayal. They imply that your spouse won’t survive their illness.

No one wants their life partner to think they’ve given up hope.

Yet, as you take on more household responsibilities, a mountain of administrative tasks awaits you on the other side of loss. Getting these answers, as agonizing as it is in the moment, is an act of survival for the person left behind.

But, you don’t have to do it alone. A close friend or an advisor can help.

Estate documents, digital accounts and employer benefits

As soon as we knew my husband’s medical direction, we immediately updated our estate planning documents: wills, healthcare directives, Powers of Attorney, and trusts. We also reconfirmed all beneficiaries and made sure his bank accounts had Payable on Death designations.

Next, we created a list of his digital and financial life, capturing usernames, passwords, and locations for bank accounts, credit cards, and social media profiles, while canceling anything unnecessary.

Finally, we had several calls with his employer’s human resources department to understand his benefits. Aside from family and friends, the HR contact was my very first call the day after my husband died. It set the wheels in motion for the distribution of his employer benefits, including life insurance, profit sharing and Health Savings Account.

Widow financial planning: limit major decisions

Some of the best advice I ever received was to hold off making any big financial decisions in the first six to 12 months (or longer) after a spouse dies, like selling your house or using life insurance proceeds to pay off your mortgage.

In the wake of loss, widows are often consumed with what psychologists call grief fog. Mine lasted about two years. This fog makes it difficult to process complex information or foresee long-term consequences of a massive financial choice.

Even the simplest task or decision can feel enormous. This is normal.

Death certificate logistics

Nearly all post-death financial distributions require an official certified copy of your spouse’s death certificate. You can typically obtain copies a few days after their passing from your town clerk’s office. However, a funeral home will often give you an initial quantity. Requesting 15 copies is typically enough.

Why so many?

You’ll need originals to claim life insurance, handle inherited IRAs, retitle assets, and close various accounts. It’s always easier to get extra copies upfront, than to head back to town hall while you’re grieving (which is what I said to the funeral director when he initially only wanted to give me five).

Confronting the burden of medical bills

As if facing a terminal illness isn’t enough, managing the medical bills felt like a second job.

Before paying anything, we requested itemized statements and compared them to our insurance company’s Explanation of Benefits (EOB) to catch billing errors, duplicate charges, or services never received.

On infusion days alone, the total bill was about $30,000, covering lab work, meeting with his oncologist, and then finally receiving his chemo.

It’s important to know your rights. The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau offers helpful resources. Also, many hospitals will negotiate a reduced lump-sum payment or set up an interest-free payment plan. What’s more, many states limit or prohibit interest charges on medical debt.

Income shifts: from two to one

My husband was the breadwinner in our family. I worked, but my income never came close to his earning potential. However, I was able to obtain Social Security survivor benefits for my son, who was about 16 at the time. This income kept us financially afloat while I found my bearings.

Dealing with the IRS during this time was another challenge.

For the first two years following a loss, you can often claim the Qualifying Surviving Spouse filing status if you have a dependent child, keeping the advantage of the married filing jointly tax deduction.

This delay is helpful because jumping straight to a single filing status triggers the “widow’s penalty,” a steep tax hike caused by a lower standard deduction.

Ultimately, losing my husband’s income meant the retirement plan we built together vanished.

Suddenly, I was facing decades of long-term financial planning entirely solo. When your future changes so fast, the margin for error shrinks, and you quickly realize you need advisors to help you spot your blind spots.

Building your support team

I wouldn’t be where I am today without a team of experts who I leaned on heavily.

After my husband passed away, I turned to his estate planning attorney for guidance. Looking back, I realize I could have delegated much more, including the overwhelming process of closing financial accounts.

A CPA helped me make sense of the estate tax implications, something I had no interest in tackling on my own.

I also hired a financial advisor. It was the best decision ever, allowing me to focus on my family while knowing my finances were being professionally managed.

Along the way, I leaned on a therapist to help me process my grief and, later, a real estate agent when it was time to evaluate my housing options.

Finally, had I known about Fruition Mentors, I’d have booked a session with one in a heartbeat. Having an objective professional to help you wade through financial logistics, prioritize tasks, and simply act as a confidential sounding board would have helped me beyond words (it’s why I became one). It also would have given me confidence that I wasn't overlooking important decisions during an incredibly emotional time.

The financial logistics of loss are heavy, but finding people to help you carry the load is a reminder that you’re never truly alone.